Delusional Happiness

I suddenly realized that the year has almost ended, and I have done no creative writing whatsoever! It’s not that I have not had topics, emotions, or tapestry to write on and about, but I just have not, so here goes …

Of course, I have grown older. The whole world including myself knows it, but I love to live in a delusional world where I am still in my twenties (I have grown in my fantasy world from sixteen to twenty-four now!) Hence the visit to the salon to colour my hair.

While I waited for the prerequisite forty-five minutes before my hair was washed and styled, I looked around. I could not wear my glasses as it would mess with my colour, and this led to the fact that I could not either play the games on my phone or read the books on my Kindle app, or do the incessant reeling that I am fond of! So to get back to the topic I looked at my fellow occupants of the very comfortable chairs that the salon provided their clients with.

I looked with envy at a young lady on my right. She was putting on artificial nails and getting them gel painted and showing the hair stylist pictures on her phone of her presumably last holiday.

“It was so cold”’ she said to the interested audience, “that we had to wear four layers of clothes and even then, I was shivering!”.

“OMG Ma’am”, breathed the hair stylist heavily.

“The skiing was lovely, of course”.

“Of course, Ma’am”, nodded the stylist knowledgeably.

“We had so much fun”, the eyebrows were raised expressively, “that I quite forgot to colour my hair”.

“I quite understand. But never mind I will look at it now.”, said the stylist running his finger through her thick dense black hair.

I wondered why she needed to colour her hair, it looked lovely and shiny and bouncy and black to me. “She must be twenty- four or twenty-five”, I said to myself, “she should not be colouring her hair, she will spoil them”.

Meanwhile, the stylist, along with his lackey was mixing the colour vigorously in the bowl. I continued to look into the mirror with interest. The stylist took the thin comb to part her hair and then to my horror, I saw at least an inch of white running through the parting! Poor thing! My envy was replaced with pity that this lady had to do what I had been doing for more than twenty years before me.

Oh well, it’s the pollution, the lack of desi ghee, and maybe stress that has changed the age factor now.

Suddenly the grey-haired lady on my left raised her voice….

“What do you think I am!”, she extrapolated angrily, “First you make me wait for half an hour beyond my appointment time, then you say that my hair needs to be washed, and after all that….”

There was a pause as she was getting her breath back. She must have been around my age but looked older as she had not bothered to colour her hair! ( Now you know why I love my delusional world).

“Now this fellow wants me to wait for another half an hour because some client of his is waiting!” her voice was loud and clear, and everyone was now openly looking at her.

The Manager had come out and was trying to pacify her….

“Who is this VVIP”, she continued clearly, “ that cannot wait their turn?”.

The stylist was now shivering in his pants and saying, “Sorry ma’am, I didn’t mean it that way”.

“How dare you?”, she continued ranting, “What do you mean then?”,

“I need another stylist immediately”.

The argument went back and forth, the Manager was apologetic, the stylist even more so and the other stylist pretended to be busy as they did not want to do this particular client.

 I felt pity for everyone involved. It was a lose-lose situation. The client was justifiably angry, but did the anger help her get what she wanted? The Stylist was in the wrong but who amongst his peers or even his manager would admit to that?

The ping-pong game went on till the client walked off without paying for her hair wash.

The hum of dissatisfaction rose to a crescendo after she walked out and then settled down. It was just another day. The haircuts. Pedicures, manicures, and treatments continued as usual.

Is this then the real world?

You are reasonably successful, you have enough money to waste in a salon and you have the inclination, yet there is someone who is supposedly more important than you, or more valuable than you, and the Social rule of “first come first served” does not apply.

I could feel the pain of the second client and the passivity of the first client. In a matter of one hour, I skidded through the seven emotions- happiness, surprise, contempt, sadness, fear, disgust, and anger.

So life goes on and I ask you whether my escapism into my virtual games or the world of novels is worse than facing all these emotions. I am not sure who is the winner in the war between realism versus delusion.  

I have stopped watching the news because it throws the real world into my face. I hate violence, corruption, unfairness, and power. Yet aren’t these what the garden of reality exposes you to? I am at a stage in life where I can remove myself from the diorama of the cutout world, so I wallow in my delusional happiness. But can the new generation afford this? They must face this and work up to or create a better world so that they do not have to retreat into this world of illusion.

Reeling in the “reels”

They couldn’t find the vein to insert the cannula! As the nurse squeezed and hit my hands and asked me to tighten my fist, I wove in and out of pain and irritation. At last, the deed was done, and I tried to fight the waves of headache that swathed my brain in a tight grip, the medicine took effect and I fell into a stupor. I was conscious of people going and coming, the swish of the curtains, and the beep of the monitors but then god-sent sleep took over and I slept a dreamless sleep.

As my poor husband ran to and fro between the ER (Emergency Room) and the billing counter I remained in the bliss of sleep. It took eons (it seemed like that) before a room was allotted and I was formally admitted into the hospital. The four days that followed were a routine of waking up early in the morning with one injection, a prick to check the blood sugar, and a band to check the blood pressure. By then I was wide awake, no point going back to sleep…. The machinery of the hospital takes over….

Unpalatable tea, followed by a worse breakfast, followed by the doctor’s rounds, and the worst, the dietician’s visit. (I have never really understood the presence of a dietician in a hospital) the dietician is normally a pretty young lady who agrees to whatever you say, she then promises better food but, the lunch that follows, is equally bad and unpalatable.

Do I sound disgruntled and ungrateful? Well, you would be too, if you are tethered to the bed with a yard-long drip attached to a painful cannula that is attached to your body. Every time you need to go to the loo you need to call the nurse to detach you from the contraption. This could take any time from five to twenty minutes! So I devised a method- just unhooked the bottle from the stand, hung it on a convenient hook in the loo, and returned with it in the same way. No one was the wiser!

The antibiotics performed their magic, my cloudy mind cleared out, and boredom set in. The fever refused to go off completely, so like the sacrificial goat, I lay tethered on the very comfortable bed with a high metabolic brain pulsating and raring to do something. I had already gotten bored of all the games on my phone (Unfortunately, I had not got my I-pad with me). So the next browsing fields were the social apps.

I finished seeing all the posts, what now? Well, now I saw something called the ‘reels’. I knew about them, of course, but never had the time to check them out. I opened one of them- some video on some movie star…. Then a video about some cooking, some crazy kid dancing (Very well, I must say), someone teaching how to wear a sari, a DIY of some cute decoration…… I was hooked for life!

It is a never-ending source of entertainment. I can choose what genre I would like to indulge in. They are so short that they never bore you. My monkey mind was in paradise! It jumped from one subject to the other in ecstasy. Other than, mindless entertainment and buffoonery, Reels also offered a glimpse of Ted talks, preaching, and new knowledge. If interested, you could go to the original on YouTube and see the whole show.

Here I am permanently tethered to ‘Reels’. My escape from reality, boredom, and pain. I promised to try out all the yummy recipes I saw on them. The DIY reels game me new ideas for my art and craft indulgence. The Ted talks enriched my mind. The preaching gave many answers to my existential questions and was like a balm on my troubled soul.

I salute all the new innovations the new generation is bringing forward and bless the men who invented the internet. Now we are all connected beyond space, time, and distance.

Let the “reels” reel me in!

Age No Bar

My Estrogen levels are falling at the same rate as the petrol price is rising! So as the vehicles get leaner and meaner, I am getting comfortably plumper and irritable.

While growing up, anything connected with the reproductive cycle was not discussed. Even mothers did not encourage this topic to be put up on the podium. Don’t worry I am not going to either ( I belong to the older generation, as you might have guessed). The only reason why I am mentioning the unmentionable is the consequences of this titillating hormone!

All my old readers know that whatever my age might be, I always feel that I am twenty one! Though I forget, my body refuses to! It creaks and aches (most of the time I ignore it), sometimes I even moan unconsciously.

It so happens that I have these unnatural urges to go on a cleaning spree. I have no set rules for this. Sometimes I do Spring cleaning in Autumn, otherwise when the world is happy enough to snuggle under blankets, I love to sweat it out! (You guessed right, using my elbow grease). When I am not physically so occupied, my mind is busily whirring about the house searching for nooks and corners that might need me. If all else fails, I go round shifting furniture!

“So what,” you might say, “that’s no big deal!”

I can imagine the bored look on your face.

Well, these urges have a tendency to overwhelm me when I am alone. When the lord and master is on his trips, my cupboards are cleaned; the kitchen is scrubbed; all old papers are sorted through; the fans are cleaned; windows are scrubbed…. the list is endless. Notwithstanding its not a surprise that all my maids hate it when L&M goes on his trips, as half the scrubbing has to be done by them.

As I grow older these escapades are not limited to me being alone. Post COVID, with WFH becoming the norm, the trips have reduced, and my addiction has increased. When L&M is bound to the study this “mouse” has to play. In the beginning I got away with it, but after a couple of falls and strained backs, the L&M keeps an eagle eye on me (As advised by the Doc and other new adult in the family). In fact certain paparazzi has taken secret videos when I am indulging and the next couple of days are rather uncomfortable for me! (the mind not so much the body).

I am sure you will sympathize with me when I tell you that once I used to climb the high ladders, clean the fans, and light fittings with the maid being my helper, now I am demoted to the post of a helper. The Mighty Maid stands regally upon the said ladder like a surgeon at the operating table.

“Soap,” the maid asks, followed by, “Wet cloth” then, “Dry cloth.” Then I, like the Nurse, meekly hand over the things, looking up at royalty.

Once upon a time, I did not wait for anyone to do my mind’s bidding. Now I have to wait for a suitable day before I can take the itch of cleaning away from my soul. Added to this, I cannot climb on high stools, lift up heavy stuff or take off the cobwebs without being upbraided!

Just the other day, L&M went off on his trip. My maid had left for the day. I was not able to sleep. The big loft in the kitchen balcony (It had become a dumping ground for all unwanted stuff) beckoned! The Cat was away, who would stop me? I took the stool (I was careful) took out everything and cleaned up the whole area. Oh! What pleasure; what salve for my soul and the most important thing ‘peace’ that filled my very being. Sorting, cleaning, throwing, and arranging, I lost track of time. I was so proud of myself.

“I did it!” I congratulated myself.

The melodious tune of my phone woke me from my reverie, and I rushed to get it. That was the precise time when my back was wrenched, and I haven’t heard the last of it from the three voices whose religion is to catch me on the wrong foot!

“When will you learn?” , same words but different voices.

I think its all my mind’s fault who refuses to grow up!

For your Hoarding pleasure!

“Madam!” screeched the maid.

I came running from my bedroom to find out what had happened. The maid stood with a bottle of toilet cleaner in her hand. Seeing the panic on my face she giggled.

The million scenarios which were fighting for space in my brain (from pigeon in the bathroom, to fire in the kitchen…..) twirled and whirled and slowly settled down like a dying tornado,  I looked at her enquiringly…

“Madam, Harpic over” she said, gleefully dangling the empty bottle in front of my face.

Over the years that I have employed maids, one common factor in all of them (race, color, caste no bar!) is, they are the happiest when something gets over and they would wait to pounce on me to underline my shoddy housekeeping!

Years back when I had just started my tryst with destiny, my first maid (her salary was the cost of a Cadbury’s chocolate now!) taught me a lot about housekeeping. Lakshmi was a slim trim mother of two, who would come for an hour every morning and fifteen minutes in the evening to sweep and swab the floors, clean the few dishes and wash the clothes every day. She gave continuous lecture about how to manage the house, the finance and the main thing, store keeping. Every month two days before the washing powder or the cleaning powder got over she would warn me replenish the supply. Those days money was tight and every rupee had to be counted and accounted for. A couple of times I had not bought the supplies because it was the end of the month. She would then start on a lecture of good housekeeping, and how we must plan our resources. She was my first economics teacher! Many maids have followed her, but thanks to her I have seldom been caught unawares!

When the supermarkets first invaded India, I went around with stars in my eyes! It was lovely to pile up my cart with all the stuff I wanted without waiting for the shopkeeper to serve me. I had the choice of quantity, quality and price under my control (plus the attraction of selling goods below the MRP!) I had this little diary where I noted down all my expenses for the day and balanced it at the end of the day. (Now I do it on an Excel sheet- thanks to my husband!)Till today I have a column named JUNU (the Lord and Master) where I place any amount that I cannot account for! This is very frequent!

But this was the beginning of a habit, I always bought a little more than required so that I would never be caught empty handed by the maid! At first it was just washing and cleaning stuff, but slowly as our financial comfort increased, I pushed it to all my monthly groceries and even spare clothes and continued to cosmetics and gifts! I started planning months in advance about what I would need after six months and bought them as if the super market or the store would move away soon. As the children came and grew, another item was added to my list, “stationary”! The number of sketch pen sets, color pencils, just pencils, chart papers and decorative glue paint and what not, piled up!

Over the next ten years we moved from smaller to bigger houses and my fad for collecting things never diminished. Of course I blamed everyone but myself: the maids, the children, the husband, and the unexpected guests for my fetish. This hoarding paranoia grew on me like multiplying rabbits and before I knew it, my house was always stuffed with everything in the world. Soon I started forgetting what I had and added on to it in my ignorance. I had forgotten one important lesson that Lakshmi had taught me, that always keep an inventory of goods. Soon unopened cupboards started bursting at the seams.

Thankfully it was time for us to move and while packing many people benefited from my hoarding! I swore I would never again suffer from over-inventory. The new clean house was a joy to manage and everything was hunky dory. Till my first visit to a metro hypermarket! Oh! the bargains, the variety and the colours all seduced me. In a trice my cart (which was double the size of the one in the small city I had come from!) was full and I needed another cart. I justified all the purchase by, “God!  You know I have saved five hundred today and I don’t need to shop for two months”. The very next month I was in the shopper’s paradise saving more money and packing all the spare cupboards in the house with stuff I may not use for the next year or so!

So the saga continues- every time I move, I throw away stuff that I have bought because I am “Saving”, each time I swear I will not buy anything new (specially crockeries!). Each new house has at least two cupboards full of stuff I will not use for at least a year.. Sometimes two years.

The newly qualified doctor in the family was sipping cold coke and enjoying the last days of her holidays when I realized that it was the last bottle in the house. I immediately and unconsciously rang up the kirana (groceries) store and ordered two large bottles. “Guests are coming over in the evening!” I justified my purchase to the questioning eyebrows of the Doctor!

She rang me up a few days later from her grandma’s house saying that hoarding was genetic, as my mother also does the same thing! Who can fight hereditary diseases?????Let me wallow in pure unadulterated pleasure of hoarding!

P.S: the doctor in the family is now a qualified hoarder!

Serpent in Eden

7^th Oct 2010

Reading the book of Genesis, I am convinced that the whole story was a comedy of errors! Both Adam and Eve were such flat characters in the beginning! Interesting thing began to happen only when the serpent came into Eden! How much ever we refuse to meet the Devil’s eye, we cannot refute the fact that he was handsome and intelligent. How easily he manipulated the humans! And even God’s string was indirectly pulled by him.

The eternal question of who was to be blamed, will never be satisfactorily answered. Personally I don’t blame Eve, I mean how long can an average intelligent human being, just eat and breathe? The story had to go forward, and the serpent provided the catalyst. The whole atmosphere was at a bursting point, if it had not been the serpent, it would have been something else! Not that I blame Adam either, the unfortunate thing did not have much choice, did he? Only one friend, companion, and wife with whom he was to spend eternity! What other avenues were open for him? They both made their own independent choice and must have regretted it many a times in their life. But it is this choice which gave them the first taste of freedom. Before this, they were birds in a golden cage! Just imagine the human race would never have been there but for the slimy serpent! Eternity of Adam and Eve!

The Yin Yang philosophy best illustrates my argument. If Yin is not there, there is no Yang. They represent a whole, one is incomplete without the other. Of course to label yin yang as good/bad or negative/ positive is to limit its deeper meaning but superficially it does pander to my ideas!

If there was no death, would we appreciate life? If there was no ugliness, would we appreciate beauty? If there was no pain, would we appreciate happiness? Just imagine how many feelings we would have skipped if Eve had not eaten that apple!

It is just that, in the wheel of life, when we are down, life is the pits. When do we analyse why such a thing had to happen or is happening, we wallow in the bog of ifs and buts and sink deeper into it. There is no point in reflecting on what went wrong, it’s better to think of how to set it right!

It’s the Greek who actually understood what the human mind needs, and it is they who introduced the concept of tragedy and catharsis!

Hopefully as life traverses forward, and we are exposed to many more experiences, emotions and events, the richness that will encompass our being will be well worth the stumbles and pitfalls that mar the surface of existence.

The sea might appear a little murky today, but I am confident that it will clear up soon.

Waiting…

Years ago whilst in college, I studied a play by Samuel Beckett “Waiting for Godot”. I remember, I was fascinated by it, which was strange, because I was still in my teens and teens normally do not have the patience to go through this very slow play! But I identified with this in every aspect of my life, whether it was waiting at the bus stop or waiting for my exam results!

In the intervening years I was too busy, first studying then bringing up a family to ever think of this play. I think, I did mention it to my students while teaching them, but I never went into any detail. Though that period too had its waiting periods! I was most of the time multi-tasking so I did not really go through the agony of waiting.

Now I can hardly say that I am busy (Ironic, cause I live in a city which is always on the go!) I am back to basics, so to say! I get up and I am waiting to send everyone off (Meaning husband and child) then waiting for the maid ,then waiting for some new games to play on the computer, then waiting for the child to come back and so on and so forth. The waiting game never ends! 

Suddenly I realized, like the tramps in the play, I am waiting for some intangible desire to be fulfilled. I know I am waiting for something to happen but what that “something” is , is a mystery. The lethargy that had enveloped me for the last few years is slowly unravelling and maybe when this mist is cleared, I will know what is it that my heart desires. Till then I am “waiting”. I know many of us go through this and prefer to either ignore or negate it, but that’s not a solution.

Well my first positive move towards this is to make a timetable (as I used to during my student days) and have a series of occupation to fill my day. It could be as inane as doing puja, but it is an activity which gives me satisfaction and pleasure or something which is physical, like doing thirty minutes on the treadmill, which is equally satisfying. I realized that now instead of waiting for things to happen, I am looking forward to my next activity and this reduces the emotional and psychological ennui that I am going through.

There are many ways to circumvent this decidedly inopportune stretch in time. One could of course be the Lotus eaters and live life in perpetual bliss, there would be no waiting as there is no past or future. One could also be an ostrich and bury ones head in the sands of darkness. Of course what attracts me the most, is the existence of Limbo …. Just hang there between Heaven and Hell (no punishment but no ecstasy either!) 

We were, after all, born to wait . Every beginning has an end. Let us then make this ‘waiting room’ into a gaming room or a parlour, a movie theatre, or the airport. Let us keep our perspective in balance and accept what is inevitable but escape the monotony of existence.